conspiracy theories

So I had a dentist appointment yesterday and I was thinking about dentistry as a profession. Not, like, relative to myself--just dental practice as an entity that exists. During my meditations, I realized something.

Dentistry is really fucking weird.

I mean, think about it. You go in, you sit there, and somebody (always a girl, too. Maybe this is just my experience, but I've never had a male clean my teeth) scrapes and pokes and prods at you with a sharp object. It's unpleasant, sometimes painful. But it's cool, you know, because it's good for your health or something.

Yes. That's right. It's to your benefit, not theirs, for spikes to be raked across your teeth. I mean, Christ, it feels like Arnold Schwarzenegger went into archaeology and is performing an insensitive excavation on your gums. Anyway, nonsensical analogies aside, there really is something absurd and brilliant that I gleaned from this trip.

Dentistry as an institution doesn't actually exist. It's a large-scale hoax operated by the American Psychological Association as an attempt to further the research presented in Milgram's obedience studies: they want to see how long people will allow complete strangers to scrape around in their mouths with dangerous objects with no justification other than a lot of fishy-sounding, pseudo-scientific bullshit such as "plaque buildup" and "halitosis." We all know it's a lie--we listen, though, because we perceive the order as being issued from a position of authority.

Let's be honest, people. Who really brushes three times daily for three minutes or more each time?

Yeah, I thought so.

This shit runs deep, though. They have dentistry schools, these weird fringe organizations where they induct people into their dark order. Train them, brainwash them, whatever is necessary. I mean, who would genuinely choose to root around in other people's mouths for rotting teeth for a living? Who, except for some bizarre breed of fetishist, would choose to do that?

Answer: no one. It's a conspiracy, man, and it has infiltrated all four corners of our society.

Don't trust anybody with a dentist. That's what I say. Cut off your appointments, change your name, whatever you need to do. Because they will come for you.

They will come.

Off and out.

Taylor Webb