conspiracy theories

So I had a dentist appointment yesterday and I was thinking about dentistry as a profession. Not, like, relative to myself--just dental practice as an entity that exists. During my meditations, I realized something.

Dentistry is really fucking weird.

I mean, think about it. You go in, you sit there, and somebody (always a girl, too. Maybe this is just my experience, but I've never had a male clean my teeth) scrapes and pokes and prods at you with a sharp object. It's unpleasant, sometimes painful. But it's cool, you know, because it's good for your health or something.

Yes. That's right. It's to your benefit, not theirs, for spikes to be raked across your teeth. I mean, Christ, it feels like Arnold Schwarzenegger went into archaeology and is performing an insensitive excavation on your gums. Anyway, nonsensical analogies aside, there really is something absurd and brilliant that I gleaned from this trip.

Dentistry as an institution doesn't actually exist. It's a large-scale hoax operated by the American Psychological Association as an attempt to further the research presented in Milgram's obedience studies: they want to see how long people will allow complete strangers to scrape around in their mouths with dangerous objects with no justification other than a lot of fishy-sounding, pseudo-scientific bullshit such as "plaque buildup" and "halitosis." We all know it's a lie--we listen, though, because we perceive the order as being issued from a position of authority.

Let's be honest, people. Who really brushes three times daily for three minutes or more each time?

Yeah, I thought so.

This shit runs deep, though. They have dentistry schools, these weird fringe organizations where they induct people into their dark order. Train them, brainwash them, whatever is necessary. I mean, who would genuinely choose to root around in other people's mouths for rotting teeth for a living? Who, except for some bizarre breed of fetishist, would choose to do that?

Answer: no one. It's a conspiracy, man, and it has infiltrated all four corners of our society.

Don't trust anybody with a dentist. That's what I say. Cut off your appointments, change your name, whatever you need to do. Because they will come for you.

They will come.

Off and out.

Taylor Webb

how to get a job

One of the most unsettling parts of trying to worm your way into the job market for the first time is this: you sit down, pen in hand, to fill out a job application, and you put down your name and address and et cetera, et cetera, and then you reach the "previous work experience" section. For those of you who haven't applied for a job before, this section takes up, like, 75% of the entire thing. If you're trying to break into that whole arcane community of people with "jobs"... well, leaving a big swath of the application untouched is, quite frankly, nerve-wracking.

I guess it goes back to an old idiom, as so many things do: Need work experience to get a job; need a job to get work experience. High-five, paradoxical capitalistic logic. High-five.

Anyway, it wasn't so bad in some instances. For a couple of days, I burned through applications like my car's V-8 engine burns through gas. I attacked battalions of restaurants, stores--whatever I passed that looked promising, really--and stopped in to pick up an application. The problem is, you usually don't get to talk to anyone, and if you can't show off your ability to not-be-an-asshole, then you've got nothing, since on paper almost everyone is going to look better than you. Plus, more and more places are transitioning to an online system of application, which is bad for us noobies, because it means that you basically become a number plugged into a database. A number with no experience at numberdom or otherwise.

So, that being said, I've composed an infallible system to get anyone their dream job in a few easy steps:

How to Get a Job:

1. Businesses want to hire people with experience. So I say to ye this, bear-market newcomers: lie. Pretend. Be lost in thy whimsy. Neil Gaiman lied about which magazines he wrote for back in the day to get his first job as a journalist, and look at him! It's not like they fact check that shit. Fact checking is for after you get hired.
2. Businesses want people who are creative. How many times have you been told in your life that a creative approach to problem-solving is da bomb? Well, as a job-seeker with no previous experience, you need to be creative and simultaneously show off your explosive amounts of personality. Here's what you do: 
1. Walk in to the restaurant. Pretend to be a customer.  
2. Rant and rave and yell and scream and throw a tantrum of behemoth proportions until you get the employee to whom you're speaking to bring out the manager.
3. Once the manager ventures forth from his secret managerial haunts, you pounce. Politely inform him that you're searching for a job and that, no, you haven't seen a disgruntled customer--they must have already taken a hike.
3. Businesses want people who can engage with customers. Show that you can engage with people: play up the pathos. This goes back to (1) really, but we're to include this subsection anyway. For example, walk with a limp, and when questioned (if not questioned, bring it up) inform the manager requisitioned in (2) that you were injured whilst saving a kitten from a burning bush, or something. Even better if you can make the incident relate to necessary job skills. Example: if applying at Subway, you risked your life fending off some pro-McDonald's gangsters who were attempting to Big Mac an attractive love interest, solely so you could show her the value of eating fresh. Be that dedicated. And if you're still having a hard time snagging the job after all this, fear not, there is an extreme solution.
4. Businesses, above all else, want people who will benefit the company. So study up on your terrorism, strategically place bombs around and within the locations of nearby competitors, and then go up to the manager of [insert desired workplace here] and tell him that hey, you really want to work for this place, and you could really blast the competition out of the water. Explain why. 
1. If he thinks you're crazy, capitalize on that. Tell him that you'll destroy the innocent if he doesn't hire you. 
2. If he thinks your plan is genius... well, sacrifices must be made. That's capitalism. 

knowing everything

Being a young adult, there's a certain phrase that can sometimes get tossed around a lot when I try to talk about more intellectual things than video games, dating, school, that one party, etc. with an adult. It hasn't cropped up as much lately, since I'm in college now, but I heard the phrase in passing the other day and it got me thinking.

What is this esoteric phrase, you might wonder. Simple: know-it-all.

I absolutely hate this idiom, especially when it's used in conjunction with younger people. Maybe it's just the fact that I write YA, but implying that someone is lesser or incapable of understanding something just because they haven't yet spent enough time revolving around the sun? That's stupidity at worst and egocentrism at best. Stupid because one of the greatest powers of the human imagination is sympathy, egocentric because placing yourself on a pedestal made up solely of years spent living is like saying, "Well, I've been alive longer, therefore clearly you can say nothing I don't already know."

Gee, it's not like everyone has an individual experience and perspective or anything like that. It's a good thing having an opinion is like going on a carnival ride: you must have to be this tall to enter.

Now, granted, I understand that there is a phase that most kids will go through where they really do think they know everything. But that happens around, what, age seven? So in terms of this rant, it's irrelevant. I actually think teenagers get pigeonholed into the know-it-all category more often than little kids do, because adults have this perception about teenagers. It's like they should "know better" than to offer their mundane insights into this world they cannot possibly understand. Going through high school, you're supposed to be quick and sharp and competitive and original, the Renaissance Man's bigger and sexier sibling, but just don't try to tell the big dogs how to roll, huh? You should "know better."

Know better. Do you feel that uptick of temperature in the room? That's the steam coming out of my ears. However, "know better" is a rant for another time.

If you're seventeen or so, it's true you may not know the intricacies of financial enterprise; maybe you don't know how to file a tax return; perhaps you've not been hardened against this tragedy of living. That's good. That's how it should be. In a way, not knowing means you not only know it all, but know more than anyone could ever guess.

Call me hopeless, a romantic, unintelligent, whatever. But I think that the minute you accept the world for what it is and let the future cease to be something terrifyingly fantastic, the second you think you've seen it all, or the moment you believe you can't be surprised or amazed, then you're the one who should know better.

Off and out.

Taylor Webb

an introduction of sorts

Greetings, reader. No, wait, that didn't sound right. Way too formal. Ahem. What's up? No, that's too casual. Howdy, partner!

Oh God, this is deteriorating quickly. 

Okay, well, let's just leave it at hello. I promise to quit testing the water and jump right into the important stuff. My name's Taylor Webb. This blog is basically an outlet for me to develop my opinions on different things (something I do best when writing them down) and to talk about writing (yes, I am one of Those People who creates a blog about writing, like I have something New and Ingenious to say). Also I just want to generally go on tangents about whatever comes to mind. Oh, and also I'll be doing book reviews of stuff I read.

You're riveted already, I know.

So, anyway,  just to clear up a few things:

• Yes, the title of this blog does stem from an episode of Doctor Who. If you knew that, you're a pretty cool fellow. Or, umm, fellowess? Fellowatrix? For some reason, the word "fellow" just seems male-centric to me. Anyway, back on-step...
• Yes, this blog will rant and rage about subjects that may offend some people (read: the Republican party). This will not prevent me from ranting and/or raging about them (read: the aforementioned political entity). 
• Yes, I will probably use a lot of parentheses. (Bet you haven't noticed.) Theoretically speaking, this could also offend you--if so, refer to bullet point #2 for relevant information.

And I think that's it. I don't actually have all that much to say for this first post. I just wanted to fill the vacuous "There are no posts yet" box on the home page, and thus I have schemed to whittle away your precious free time by distracting you with this crenelated wall of text! Haha! 

I won't apologize. It was mocking me.

So, my first blog post now fulfilled, I shall retire. Good night, reader. Good night, blog. (Is it weird to discourse with my blog? It probably is. It also probably won't stop me.)

Off and out.

Taylor Webb